Today I was informed that my father will begin receiving Palliative Care, which is similar to Hospice. As some of you know, he has been battling cancer, Mesothelioma to be exact, for a couple of years. Although it has not been determined that he is terminal, his health has been continuously declining these last few years, especially in the last few months. Up to now he has forgone any treatment, mainly because of his age and the effect that the treatment can have on him. Since the diagnosis two years ago I have reconnected with my father in a very different and special way; and in that time, I have done a lot of healing. Just within this last year alone, I have reached a new level of awareness in relation to the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my father. That awareness has led me to create a platform so that I can help other people who have had similar experiences. I’m still building the foundation for what will become a place of healing for those people. This has been a tremendous growing period in my life; and yet, today I realized that I still have more healing to do in relation to the abuse.

In my heart I feel that the end is nearing for my father and in some ways, I feel relieved. Yes, relieved that he will no longer suffer and that he can finally find the peace that he has been searching for, but more so the relief I feel today is for me being able to finally move past this painful experience. I certainly do not wish for my dad to transition, that is not my intent, but in my mind, I have often felt that if he were gone in physical form that I could finally put the past behind me and move on with my life. I know this not to be true, but somehow today I found myself thinking this again, as I have in the past. Then, as the emotions began to surface, I tried to fight off the tears because of the guilt I was still feeling. I was feeling guilty and ashamed because I didn’t think that he deserved those tears. I was telling myself how dare you cry for him after all that he has done to you. Once again, I knew better but these feelings were taking over, and I couldn’t seem to stop them. That is when I realized that those tears weren’t for him, they were for that little boy. That little boy that wanted so desperately to be loved and that little boy that was neglected all those years. Those tears were for him and I still was not allowing that little boy to be loved. So much of what I do is centered around supporting people and holding a space for others to begin the healing process, yet I still find it difficult to do the same for myself. I know how powerful this love is and today I finally loved that little boy the way he should be loved. I let the tears flow and I let go of the shame and guilt and although it hurt, I made it through the other side and I felt a lightness unlike any other that I have ever experienced.

After I was able shed tears for my inner child, I then was able to put into perspective the events of today. Yes, the truth is that we all will eventually transition from human form in to spirit form or whatever you may want to call it. This I know to be true for myself. I will celebrate those who have gone before me and I will forgive those who have wronged me, for they are my greatest teachers. I thank my father for the many lesson’s that he has taught me. Without them I would not be doing the great work that I am. I release all judgement, anger and fear associated with my father and I hold him in the Light of God and in doing so I surrender all limiting beliefs to the universe.

In metaphysics and spirituality, we talk a lot about forgiveness, compassion and love and the importance of it, not only in showing it and giving it to others but more importantly in relation to ourselves. I know that I am not alone in saying this, but it is sometimes easier said than done. You see, I forgave my dad years ago for what he did; or so I thought, and I also thought that I had forgiven that little boy. However, I hadn’t completely forgiven either one of them. That man that has done horrible things to me and that same little boy that has been carrying around the shame and guilt for such a long time that was associated with the abuse he experienced at his father’s hands. I thought I did; until today, and that made me realize that I still have work to do. This may always be so, but I do also know that with each day there is new hope and the possibility of new awareness’s and new realizations that will continue to help me heal and grow.

I wanted to share this with you today because I know that many of us go through similar experiences in our life when it comes to grieving. It is just a natural part of life. It’s okay to feel angry and hurt, but it is not okay to hold on to them. If you are in such a place, you are not alone. Please reach out to someone that can help you. I am here to be of service.

In this journey of what is my life I know that I will continue to heal and grow only if I am willing to face the pain and work through it. Yes, it is through the grief and suffering where we learn how to live.

Good Grief, Live!

May You All Be Blessed, Always!!!