Back in December I facilitated my first workshop. The subject was “shame”. It was an amazing experience and one that I will always cherish. I now have the opportunity to present this workshop at the Awakened Life Yoga Festival in Gulf Shores, Alabama on April 12 - 14. You can find out more about it on my workshop page. I also have a guided meditation on my meditation page to go with it. Please feel free to share.

This past year has been a year filled with adventure and self-explorations and a lot of “firsts” for me. I found my first true love which has taught me how to love on a deeper level, not only loving her but more importantly loving myself. I created a business that is centered around my unique and special talents and in the process, I realized that I do have something very valuable to offer the world. I overcame my fear of public speaking which has been so liberating. I have an amazing spiritual family that has welcomed me into their home and that has shown me how special I am. I am so grateful and yet I yearn for more. I yearn to discover more “firsts” and I yearn to continue to peel back the many layers of shame that I have been carrying with me for my entire life.

I began a very powerful process of self-discovery this summer with Leisa Peterson. She is the founder of iProsper, Money Transformation Course. ( https://www.wealthclinic.com/ ) What I thought was going to be a process of identifying and confronting my issues with money turned out to be so much more. What I didn’t realize at the time was that my relationship with money was only a small part of the equation. The real issues I was dealing with had to do with so much more than money. I underwent an extensive three-month course and discovered so much about what has been holding me back in my life. I have so much gratitude for Leisa and the work that she does, and I encourage everyone to reach out to her. She is an angel that was sent to me and I truly believe that through her work she is making a huge difference in the world. I could go on and on about Leisa but rather than do that please check her out for yourself. ( http://leisapeterson.com )

What I really want to talk about today is what I discovered while taking this course and how it has transformed my life in such a way that my life will never be the same. I discovered that I was dealing with a great amount of shame. I know that this may not sound so profound, but as I became aware of this and started to really look at it I discovered that shame has been the single most profound issue that has been controlling everything that I do in life. Even at this very moment, it is still there. Once I became aware of this I realized that if I wanted to continue growing spiritually I had no choice but to heal my relationship with shame. And to heal it, that meant that I had to confront it.

It was during doing some inner child work with Leisa that I discovered that I was carrying and dealing with shame from my childhood. It started with sexual abuse at the hands of my father at the age of seven and it lasted until I was thirteen. Unfortunately, the mental abuse continued long after the physical abuse. And I don’t mean the mental abuse from my father, I’m talking about the mental abuse that I would continue to inflict upon myself for most of my life. This became the greatest abuse I would ever endure, it became my saboteur. In recent years I have done a lot of work around this abuse and I have healed extensively as a result, but the one thing that I did not do was confront the shame associated with it. As you can imagine, my shame stemmed from the fear of being abused and it resulted in me carrying around a lot of anger, and having feelings of embarrassment, along with having trust issues and the guilt associated with that. Guilt came in many forms; most notably in the form of regret. I regretted not being able to stop the abuse and not being a better person or son so that I wouldn’t deserve the abuse. The list went on and on and the negative self-talk became my inner voice on a regular basis. I would often tell myself that I was not a good person and that bad things would always happen to me because of it. I truly believed that I did not deserve to be happy. With this as my mindset, I began to take on some very dangerous behaviors and I lived a careless and reckless life. As I look back today, I have a hard time imagining how I could endure such relentless abuse of my own making. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not down playing my Dads role in all this and how it set in motion a series of behaviors that would define my life. It is a testament as to how strong we are and how much we can overcome. I know now that having survived all that I have in my life that I can and will survive anything, and that is exactly the message that I want everyone to receive. We are amazingly strong and resilient, and we can overcome anything. We just must make the commitment to doing so.

Shame can show up in so many ways, and it can be subtle at times. In some cases, we don’t even realize that we have it. One way that shame shows up is through transference of energy. Many people have no idea what this means, much less understand it. The best way that I can explain it would be to give you an example. Imagine if you were sad and not feeling good and someone you love gives you a hug and notice how you feel afterwards. When they hug you, you can feel their love and you can take on that energy. Now imagine that you are having one of the best days of your life and you just feel amazing and then suddenly someone directs anger and violence towards you. This can shift your energy as well and it can be in the form of fear or anger. This is a form of transference of energy. This is very significant when it comes to shame, especially in an abuser/victim dynamic. The victim often takes on the shame of the abuser. It is very common, and this shame can become ours without knowing it. In my case with the abuse that I experienced at the hands of my father, I took on his shame. The shame that he was experiencing became mine. As with most people, myself included, we suppress any emotion that is associated with shame. We do this by forming addictions to all kinds of things, most commonly drugs and alcohol. We do this to hide the pain associated with it, or to try and run from it. In my case, I felt that if I didn’t talk about shame or confront it, it meant that it didn’t exist, or that it would go away altogether. Little did I know that it was always there and that it was standing in the shadows and running the show of my so-called life.

The numerous ways that shame showed up for me throughout my life has been significant. Early in my childhood I went from being confident and outgoing to being reclusive and uncertain. I began to develop behaviors that reflected how I felt about myself. I started cheating, lying and stealing. I became so good at doing these things that most people had no idea that anything had changed. I began to wear many masks and one of the many that I wore was that of happiness. Ironically, by wearing these masks I began to feel more and more shame. This was the beginning of a spiraling effect that would be with me for most of my life. As I grew older I began to develop more serious behaviors such as drug and alcohol abuse. As with most people, I became a functioning addict. I was able to survive but it was a very abusive lifestyle, one that was filled with a lot of self-doubt, unworthiness, anger and depression. No matter what I did I would always find ways to sabotage anything good in my life. I would sabotage my relationships, my career and my well-being. My unworthiness and low self-esteem prevented me from asking for help and stepping into my power. I settled for a life of mediocrity and I didn’t stand up for myself. I would forgo promotions and career advancement because it was safer to stay and play small. I would walk away from relationships that were good because I was afraid to feel love. If anything became difficult I would do whatever it took to run away from it. All of this because of the shame that I was feeling. I could go on about the missed opportunities, but I think that you get the point. With this inner saboteur at work in my life I was on a path of self-destruction and misery.

We define Shame as a toxic state of self-hatred and self-contempt. What does that mean? Well, for me it was the negative self-talk and the unworthiness I felt for myself. It allowed me to make up excuses for not showing up in a way that was authentic. It became so powerful, and it prevented me from achieving what I most desired. In my life I have let shame prevent me from being who I truly was meant to be. I am no longer willing to let it have that power over me. I wish the same for you. Isn’t it time that we all confront the shame in our lives and take back our power? I say yes!

So how can we do this? How do we regain control and overcome shame? The first and most important thing that we can do is to have compassion. By that I mean, that we must understand that shame has no power if we don’t feed it. By being compassionate towards ourselves we can begin to starve the emotions associated with it. Let’s begin with saying the words “I love you” to ourselves and then let’s begin the process of forgiving ourselves. We are not our past and we can only be defined by it if we choose to let it define us. We must ask ourselves “where does this shame come from?” Is this shame justified? If we begin to live our lives with love, compassion and forgiveness we begin to loosen the hold shame has over us.

I want to share with you an exercise that will help you overcome shame. Remember that compassion is the antidote to shame.

1. Think of one of your most shaming experiences from childhood. Now think of what you wish someone had said to you right after that experience. What would have been the most helpful and healing for you to hear at that time? Write this statement down on a piece of paper.

2. Imagine that someone you care very much about, someone you admire, is saying those words to you now. Hear those words in your ears. Take those words into your heart. Notice how those words make you feel.

3. Now say those words out loud to yourself. Take a deep breath and really take in those words. How does hearing yourself say those words out loud make you feel?

Hearing those words of compassion can be very healing. It’s almost as good as if you heard them at the time. In some ways it doesn’t really matter that you are hearing them now rather than at the time. What matters is that you let the words in now—that you experience both the compassion from someone else and that you provide self-compassion toward yourself.

If you would like to dive deeper into how shame has affected you and regain control over it please reach out to me and let’s book a session. I wish you all a happy and prosperous new year. Blessings.